The Cola Bottle And The Crabby Dog
by MostLikelyInsane
Summary: This is a rewrite of another fic that i wrote, because i discovered that the first chapters were especially badly written. Enjoy. Jade Harley moves to the same school as her cousin John Egbert, who introduces her to some friends, and she takes an interest in Karkat Vantas. Then theres John and Dave, a happy, adorable (gAY) couple. What could go wrong? JadeKat/Davejohn/Side ships(?)
1. Meeting The New Girl

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and as usual, you are in a bad mood. As usual, Equius and Eridan were being total DOUCHEBAGS. You're also in a bad mood because- Well, you're Karkat, and you're almost always in a bad mood. A frenemy of yours (Meenah Peixies) often refers to you as "Shouty"

The lunch bell rings, so you head up to the cafeteria. You get your shitty cafeteria food and scan the large, loud room for your friends, which you somehow have. You quickly spot John Egbert, Dave Strider, Terezi Pyrope, Rose Lalonde, Kanaya Maryam, and Sollux Captor sitting at a table halfway across the cafeteria.

You walk over and sit next to Sollux. "Hey."

"Thup KK." he responds with his usual lisp, before going back into the conversation at the table. John is talking, so you decide to listen to him for once.

"So, my cousin Jade is coming today, she should be here soon." John stands up, letting go of his boyfriend Dave's hand, then looks around and smiles. "Ill be right back!"

He disappears momentarily, and comes back with a girl about your age with long messy black hair, round glasses, and emerald green eyes. She wears Skinny jeans, Converse, white contrast to your own black ones, and a white t-shirt with some sort of logo or something on it. You are momentarily surprised that anyone related to Egbert could be so attractive, but shake the thought off.

"This is my cousin Jade! She just transferred to our school and I want you all to meet her." says John.

"Hi Guys! Its so nice to finally meet you all, John told me all about you. In fact, I bet I can guess who you all are." She walks over to the Strider. "You're Dave." He gave a nod, with a rare small smile.

She walks over to Sollux. "Captor. Sollux Captor." She smiles knowingly as Sollux smiles and responds with a "Yep."

She reaches the blind girl. "You're Terezi."

"Of course. Who else would be there to wear bright red lenses if I didn't?" Terezi taps her red, cats-eye shaped sunglasses-type lenses. You arent even quite sure where somebody would get glasses like that, but hey, its the 21st century, so who knows.

Jade laughs and continues on to Rose. "You're Rose."

The blonde smiles. "Certainly."

The raven-haired girl moves over to Kanaya, who, like Rose, her girlfriend as of last year, always seems to have this air of sophistication. "And you're Kanaya. I really like your skirt by the way."

Kanaya smooths out the long red skirt Jade was referring to. "Thank you very much. I made it myself."

Jade smiles and turns to you. "And last but not least, Karkat Vantas." She gives you a dazzling smile.

You give a small smile. "Yeah."

"Wow, Jade!" says John. "You actually got Karkat to smile! You _must_ be good with people!"

* * *

**AN: So, that's it! I know it's still probably not amazingly written, but its sure as hell an improvement from what it was before. A big thanks to you all, because you're all amazing ok. Like John Green amazing. ****I was informed that the formatting was done wrong on this? it's weird, because i didn't put any of that shit there. huh. Anyways, Bye!**


	2. Student Tour

Your name is Jade Harley and you're new at school.

It's a good thing your cousin John goes to this school, because if he didn't, you'd be totally lost. You were just kind of standing at the side of the cafeteria awkwardly until John saw you and took you over to the table with his friends. You think they all seem like great people to you. But now you're going with Karkat for a student tour, since the principle said someone had to, and you two have almost all the same classes together. You both get hall passes, and start to go around the school.

This is the gym." Says Karkat, opening the gym door to reveal an intense game of dodgeball happening. A scrawny kid with think glasses falls to the floor when a muscly-looking guy trows a ball full force. "For math classes, obviously."

You laugh. "Obviously. Where else would i do math?"

"I dunno." He grins. "An enormous room full of high-velocity dodgeballs and struggling, in-pain nerds is where i study best. The change rooms are over there." He continues. Once you're done with the gym, he leads you back upstairs.

"So what are your favorite classes?" he asks.

I love science. And then there's art, and music." you say. "What about you?"

He considers the question. "English, Math, Music. Art is pretty good too. But for the most part, school is bullshit."

The rest of the tour is enjoyable. You have a feeling you and Karkat will be really good friends….. Or maybe more.. NO. BAD JADE. YOU BARELY KNOW HIM. STOPPIT.

After the tour, you have to go to classes. You have Religion next, your least favourite subject. Karkat does too. But that's not for another 20 minutes. "So what do we do now? I don't see the point in barging into Home ec. halfway through the lesson." You say.

Karkat gives you a grin. "Follow me."

The school has its own theatre, even if it is a small one. Karkat leads you there, and takes you backstage. There's a door in the very back corner of the room, barely visible being the same colour as the wall.

"Not afraid of heights, are you?" He asks.

"Nope." He leads you through the door, and up a metal staircase.

"Here." says Karkat. "Not really supposed to be up here, but fuck the rules. I found somewhere in this school which isn't completely full of douchebags, i should get a fucking award."

You're up above the stage, where all the lighting is. He leads you out to the metal platform directly above the stage, and sits down. You do the same.

"So when did you find this place?" you ask.

"I helped out with the lighting once for a school play. I wouldn't have, really, but when they offered it, I was hoping for a new hideout." he says. "So... what was your old school like?" he asked.

"It was pretty small for a middle school. Only about 100 students. But the good thing was almost everyone in the same grade knew each other. I knew a lot of the other 9th graders, so I was a little sad to leave all my friends. But I'm already making new friends here." You say that last part with a smile at Karkat. And he returns it.

* * *

**A/N: This is it, chapter two. i didn't need to change this one nearly as much as Ch. 1. anyways, Enjoy~!**


	3. Spiderbitches

Your name is Dave Strider and you are COOL.

You're sitting at a table in the cafeteria, next to your boyfriend, John. You guess you should explain that. You're Bi, and after years of being in-denial, John came out as Gay last year. That's enough explaining.

Like you said, you're sitting at the table next to John. You're eating your shitty cafeteria food, and you see Karkat and Jade coming over to the table. They come sit down across from you and John.

"So. How're the two lovebirds doin'?" It has exactly the effect that you were going for. John giggles.

"We aren't fucking lovebirds, fuckass." says Karkat. Jade glares at you daggers.

"Right, right….. We sure do believe that story….." you smirk.

"Fuck you."

"No thanks, I already have a boyfriend."

Jade facepalms. John is watching amusedly. "Leave it Karkat. He's just messing with you."

The bell for third period rings and Jade and Karkat go for math, John goes for English and you head for science. Science isn't too bad you guess. What you hate about the class is the fucking girls.

"Heyyyyyyyy Daaaaaaaave."

Ugh.

Shit.

Vriska serket. One of the most annoying girls in the school. You guess she would be bearable if she wasn't always fucking flirting with you.

"So Dave..." Shit. She's gonna ask you to work with her. "Do you wanna be my lab partner for the new chapter in science?"

You were just about to say something smooth and ironic to decline, but then Kanaya shows up, trying to hide her amusement at your struggle with the Serket. "I apologize Vriska, he's already my partner. Correct?" You nod, keeping your shaded face stoic.

"Oh, ok." Vriska says, an obviously fake hurt expression on her face as she goes to sit somewhere else.

You go sit down next to Kanaya near the front. "Thanks." You mutter.

"Pleasure." She smiles amusedly.

"Hello, David." Oh my fucking god. Its Aranea Serket. You have to put up with both Serkets in one class. Oh look. Shes sitting at the desk next to yours. Areana doesn't flirt quite as much as her twin, but she talks. A lot. You nod at her.

Welp. Here goes an hour listening to Aranea, wHO IS NOT SHUTTING HER GODDAMN PIE HOLE


	4. Ooh, a Confession

Your name is John Egbert, and you are in the SCHOOL LIBRARY.

Your geography teacher is giving you and the rest of the class the entire period to study for a project in the library. This is the only class that you have with Dave, Sollux, Jade, and Karkat all at once. So you're all sitting at a round table, not studying very much, and having a quiet conversation instead. It's what most people do when the project isn't due until a few days later; Goof off and talk in the library when the teacher gives you time to study, and study later at home.

Jade is talking. She's been here for a few weeks now, and she seems to really be liking it. "Does this happen to all the new girls here, or am I the only one who's being completely bombarded with guys asking me out?" everyone laughs, quickly stopping from a glare from the librarian. "No, seriously. So far I've been asked out by Eridan, Equius (and I quote "You are quite the exquisite female"), some guy with red hair- I don't even know his name- and even Eridans older brother, Cronus."

Everyone bursts out laughing, and the librarian lobs a heavy encyclopedia in the direction of your table. Damn that woman has got a good throw for Seventy-six. You all have to duck to avoid getting a concussion. It's probably bad that this is normal at your school. "Well for Eridan and Cronus, that's normal. But that's rare for Equius, he thinks he's higher than everyone else, so he normally doesn't want to date anyone," you say.

Dave nods, the trace of a smile playing on his lips. "If you ask me, he's just too full of himself." everyone laughs again, but quieter this time.

"Well on another note, the thchool danthe ith coming up thoon. I heard it'th going to be really good thith year." Says Sollux. Then he grins."I wonder who nepeta'th going with this year, she'th gone out with ju'tht about every guy in the th'chool exthept Eridan, Cronuth, and Equiuth. I gueth Eridan and Cronuth are ju'tht too douchy and Equiuth th'omehow th'tumbled into the friendthone." Everyone chuckles and then you notice something. Karkat laughed. Now that you think about it, he's been happy a lot lately, which is weird. You have a feeling that he might have a crush on Jade, but you push the thought away, because just now the bell rings.

You have to go to math now. You have this class with Karkat, which is a relief because you suck at math and he normally helps you. You're walking to class and you catch up with Karkat. "Hey Karkat…" You say.

He jumps a little, and glares a little. "Watch it fuckass, you scared the shit out of me! What do you want?"

You grin at the fact that you scared him. "I was just wondering… Do you like Jade?"

"Shit, uh, no!" He says. You grin. It's easy to tell when he's not telling the truth, especially when he's put on the spot about something.

"Karkat, you're such a bad liar." you snicker.

He looks around as if to make sure nobody's listening, which amuses you. "Fine, I like her! You better not tell emanybody/em, including her, understand, fuckass?" He speaks in a hushed whisper.

You grin even wider. "I promise I won't tell anybody, Karkat."

You then have to endure an entire period of fucking math.


	5. PLL, LOFAF and--WOOF!

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and Jade is at your house.

You invited her over, planning to confess to her while she was there and ask her to the dance tomorrow night. You're both sitting on the couch, Jade making you watch some drama TV show, called Pretty Little Liars, and although you say it's stupid, but you're secretly enjoying it. It ends and you're left sitting on the couch, being bored.

"So, what do you want to do now?" Jade asks, smiling.

"Uh, well, we could go to the pond down the street if you want." you say, referring to a pond by the next street over.

Her emerald eyes lit up, making your heart melt. "Sure! Lets go!" she says, getting up and heading towards the door. You followed, once again amazed at how the smallest things made her the happiest girl in the world.

You both walk down the road, and conversation wanders over to the dance. "Yeah, The dance committee always gets me, Sollux, and Dave to do a song or two, and we almost always take a real song and rewrite it." You say.

"Really? What song are you doing?" she asks curiously.

"Ahhh, not allowed to tell you that." You say. "Also, i have no fucking clue, so I couldn't tell you even if I were allowed." she laughs, and suddenly it hits you. T

his was probably your only chance to ask her out.

"Uh, so, ah, Jade. I was wondering if-" you start, but Jade just cuts you off in the weirdest way possible.

"_Woof! _I can see the pond, race you there!" She shoves your face playfully, almost making you fall over,and takes off in front of you, towards the now visible pond. You just stand there for a second, jaw dropped. You stand there for another second before taking off after her, dumbfounded at what had just happened. You make it to the pond, both of you panting, and sit down on a bench near the water.

"Haha, beat you!" she says and laughs. You manage to smile at her, but the thought that you had actually almost asked her out and she had barked and ran kept your mind in shock. "Hell, I cant wait until it starts to snow. Too bad it doesn't come for another month and a half." she says.

You finally recover from the shock. "I hate snow. Its cold and wet and bland and makes me freeze my ass off."

Jade laughs. "I figured you'd say something like that."

"Fine Harley, you go down to your imaginary planet full of snow, and I'll stay inside, being warm."

"I'll call it the Land Of Frost And Frogs... LOFAF for short." She grins.

You were building up the confidence to try to ask her out again, but suddenly her phone rings, and she answers, "Hello? What? Shit, oh yeah.. Sorry, jeez! I know, I know! Okay, bye."

She hangs up, looking fairly annoyed. "We have to back to your place, my pop is going to be there to pick me up in five minutes." Well shit then.

"Yeah, okay. Lets go." You both run back to your place, and Jade's father rolls into the driveway sixty seconds later. You say

"Bye, see you at the dance." and she's gone. There wont be school tomorrow because it's a P.D day, so you cant ask her then.

You go into your room and crumple on your bed in a heap of blankets, pillows, and failure.

* * *

**A/N: I actually didn't need to edit this chapter very much, wow.**


	6. Wow Feels

((BROADWAY KARKAT DOES NOT BELONG TO ME, I DID NOT WRITE IT, IT WAS THE WORK OF SOMEBODY ELSE.

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS, and you are at the DANCE.

You, Dave, and Sollux are prepping your instruments and getting ready to preform. Dave is tuning his guitar, Sollux is making sure all the keys on his keyboard were functional, and you were making sure the mic. was working, occasionally saying "test, one two." Jade comes up to the stage and- Oh my jesus she looks fucking beautiful.

She's wearing a floor-length, strapless, black, sparkly dress, modest neutral colored eyeshadow, black eyeliner, cherry lipstick, and her hair was up, somehow making a messy bun look fancy and glamorous. You walk over to the edge of the stage and crouch to talk to her.

"Hey! I still don't understand why you won't tell me what song you're doing, but i guess ill find out soon. Anyways, good luck!" She says.

"Yeah... Yeah, thanks. I'm going to need it." You say.

"Yo, Karkat! C'mon, we need to start!" Dave called out. You turn back to Jade and say " Okay, i gotta go now! See you after the song!" You say, and start to stand. Before you can do anything, Jade leans up and kisses you on the cheek.

"Youre gonna do great, i know it." She turns and walks into the crowd, leaving you with a bright red face, eyes wide. It was just a kiss on the cheek, calm your tits.

"Karks, c'mon!"

You get up and walk over to the mic. "Hey everybody. You probably know Me, Sollux and Dave from previous preformances. And if you don't, well then fuck you too," You joke. "Anyways, I wrote this song, and its for, uh... a girl, actually, that i like... A lot." You say, and hear several cheers and whoops, of course Egberts was the loudest. "So, basically? If she doesn't like me back, I am completely and eternally Fucked." There's some laughing here,

"So, before i back out of this... Here you go."

Dave began playing the guitar, and a few seconds later Sollux joined in on the keyboard. You begin to sing.

"Hey there Harley, whats it like down there on LOFAF?  
I'm not really good at writing shit, this song is gonna suck ass, hope you know  
Down on your planet full of snow  
Harley don't go..."

You look down at Jade, to see her mouth slightly open, her face full of shock, with a tinge of curiosity. You continue to sing.

"Hey there Harley, don't you worry about the distance  
I'll be here when you fuck up again  
I hope for once you'll listen  
We'll be fine...  
Trust me and things will be alright  
I'm on your side..."

You look down at jade, to see her in the same state of shock as before, with John standing next to her, laughing at her expression. You will yourself to continue singing.

"Oh, its what you do to me,  
Oh, its what you do to me,  
Oh, its what you do to me,  
Oh, its what you do to me,  
What you do to me...  
Hey there Harley, I know times are getting harder  
But believe me Jade, someday im gonna get to where you are  
We'll win the game  
Harley you're driving me insane... Do i do the same?  
Hey there Harley, I've got so much left to say,  
But if you bark again and interrupt, then i'll just go away  
Leave you alone...  
Harley, please just throw me a bone...  
Or you're on your own."

You finally get the guts to look at her again, and see her still in that state of shock, her cheeks gradually getting redder and redder.

"Oh, its what you do to me,  
Oh, its what you do to me,  
Oh, its what you do to me,  
Oh, its what you do to me.

The yellow yard seems pretty far, but hey, we've got this meteor  
I'd walk to you if i had no other way.

And all our friends will laugh at us, but we'll just flip 'em off because  
We know that none of them have felt this way  
Jade Harley, i can promise you, that by the time we get through  
The game will never ever be the same  
Guess we're to blame!

Hey there Harley  
Now the song is almost over  
Pretty soon we'll all be meeting up  
And though i'm not a leader anymore...  
Theres just one thing I cant ignore.  
Gonna show you what my hearts got in store

Hey there Harley heres to you, this ones for you!"

You look down at Jade,still in the same state of shock, except her cheeks are now the exact same colour as her cherry lipstick. John is staring at her, an amused look on his face.

''Oh, its what you do to me  
Oh, its what you do to me  
Oh, its what you do to me  
Oh, its what you do to me  
Oh, its what you do to me  
Oh, what you do to me  
Hey there Jade Harley..."

Dave finishes the song with one final strum of his guitar.

"Jade Harley... I-I love you."

The entire Gym bursts into the loudest applause you, Dave, and Sollux had ever gotten. You look down at Jade- except she isn't there anymore.

Shit, did you embarrass her so much that she left? You look around and see her running up to the stage, onto the stage, and suddenly shes there in the middle of the stage where you are, she grabs you by the front of the shirt, her eyes blazing. You'd been in this position many times before in past years, and it always ended with you getting punched. Shit, you think. She's mad at me for not telling her and she's going to punch me. But then you notice something. That doesnt look like anger in her eyes, it looks like...

Her lips met yours.

... Passion

Oh my god, you're kissing Jade Harley. You are Fucking kissing Jade Fucking Harley.

She kisses you, still holding the front of your shirt, and you are in so much shock that you don't kiss her back for a second. Then you snap out of it and start to kiss her back. You are dimly aware of the crowd cheering ferociously. She pulls away."I love you too, fuckass."

The crowd cheers even louder and you are suddenly aware that when Jade had grabbed your shirt, you had swung the hand holding the mic to the side, just five or six inches away from your face, and that it was picking up every word that the two of you say. Whoops. You put the mic back in the stand and the two of you exit the stage, towards the punch table, both blushing madly.

John rushes up to you, laughing his ass off. "I-I cant... Breathe!..." And then he just keeps laughing. You suddenly realize that Dave and Sollux are at the mic now. "And that, my ironic chums, is the power of music." Dave said, and handed the mic over to Sollux.

"We'll be at the punch table for the necktht 15 minuteth for autographth. Goodnight everyone!" And they both hop off the stage. They walk over to you and Jade, grinning.

"I would probably punch you right now, but i'm in a good mood." You say, grinning.

"Ohh, i think we noticed that. Actually, i think everyone in our _school_ noticed that." Says Dave, and Him, Sollux, and John burst out laughing. You and Jade look at each other for a second, and join in on the laughing, too.

Since Sollux was in charge of the music that went on after the live preformance, he went to the speakers and chose a playlist, skipping songs until he found a slow song, Say Something. He winked at you, and you knew exactly why he chose that song. Because he was trying to get you to ask Jade to dance. That fuckass. Well, now you had to, or Sollux and Dave would never let it go.

"You- You wanna dance?" You say to Jade nervously, looking away.

She smiles. "Sure."

You hesitate for a second, then take her hand and lead her out to the dance floor. You were aware of almost everybody watching you, and once you got to the dance floor, you put your hands on her waist and she puts hers on your shoulders and you start to gently step from foot to foot. You see nepeta about ten feet behind Jade, totally freaking out. She fangirled and squealed and jumped up and down and took out her phone, probably to either take a picture or post about it on the wall of her shipping blog, or both.

"Everyone is watching us..." Jade says.

You just smile. "Well, its not my fault that you just kissed me in front of the whole school..." She laughs. "It was just a moment, ok? Couldn't have fucking stopped myself if I'd wanted to."

You laugh. "Hey, i'm not complaining." And she kisses you again, to many cheers from the watching crowd, but you don't even care anymore.

And you are now officially the happiest guy on earth.

* * *

**A/N: Wow, this chapter is long.**


	7. SpiderColossalbitch

Your name is Dave Strider and you are at SCHOOL.

You're at your locker, which is right next to Karkats, and you're talking to him about the dance the night before.

"Dude, she would not seperate from you. She really, really likes you. I lost count of how many times she kissed you." You say.

He takes a breath, ready to make a snappy retort, but then he just sighs, a dreamy smile on his face. "Yeah..." He says, grinning slightly, rubbing the back of his neck.

"So are you guys official now?"

"Yeah, i asked her out formally away from all the chaos of fangirls and you guys laughing your asses off." he replies.

Suddenly Vriska is next to the two of you. "Karkat, can i have a word with Dave? Alone?" She says.

"Uh, sure?" He says, as you shoot him a 'don't leave me alone with her' look. He either doesn't get it, doesn't care, or doesn't want to be a part of whatever is about to happen. He starts to walk down the hallway, towards gym, which the both of you have in 10 minutes.

You turn back to Vriska. "So, what do you want?" You say.

"Well, I kind of wanted this..." She says. And then she kisses you.

You are so in shock that you forget to react. Suddenly there's a loud noise of something hitting the floor down the hallway, making Vriska break apart from you and turn her head.

And there, down the hallway, is a pile of books on the floor, dropped by the owner. And the owner is staring at you in horror from behind a pair of black dorky glasses, underneath a mass of messy black hair.

John takes off down the hallway, leaving his books in a pile in the middle of the hallway.

* * *

**A/N: I am still such an asshole.**


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